Frustration

Well it's been a while since I've made an entry and since I'm currently in the middle of a self-imposed ban from twitter I decided to use this to vent. Hmm so where do I start? Maybe I should start off by discussing how my life sucks.

I'm only kidding.

There are a few things I'm frustrated with though. So let the rambling begin :)

Who makes/made the rules on what's cool? We live in such a screwed up society where people constantly critique and judge other people's behaviors and interests. Just because people don't wear clothes or clothing brands that you consider 'popular' or listen to music that is popular that doesn't make them weird or not 'cool' . That just means that unlike you, they have the courage to be themselves. They don't feel the need to conform to the societal norm in order to camouflage their insecurities. I think people who are unique and are comfortable with themselves are awesome. In fact, when it comes to females there's no bigger turn-on to me. But that's irrelevant, I'm just saying that I hate the fact that we live in a society that puts entirely too much emphasis on being 'cool' and not enough on being yourself. Thank goodness for the people who refuse to conform. If it wasn't for them we'd live in a country with millions of the exact same person.

Diversity is beautiful.

Frustration

          Please go ahead and excuse my poor grammar but I'm far too stressed and scatterbrained to exercise decent writing capabilities. Also, excuse my whining and bitching, I'm just extremely frustrated. Anyways, why me? Why am I always the one who never gets what I want? Why do I always feel like there's something missing? Why am I never satisfied?

         Why does it seem everyone is happy but me? I honestly feel like I'm having a cruel joke played on me. I mean it's rare that I legitimately like someone but it's going to become even more rare if things keep going like this. One is practically married, one is now dating the only guy I hate, and as of late any girl I show interest in wants nothing to do with me. Life's awesome. 

         Also, I hate when people try to hook me up with people. If I'm not with someone it's because I want it to be that way. I am fully capable of doing things on my own. Oh well, I'm about to miss out on another opportunity too more than likely. When it rains it pours. The rain has to end something though, right?

Current thoughts...

I will never forgive myself for letting someone's love slip away. I have to stop blaming it on others and put the blame squarely on myself. Love is a very valuable, very rare thing. I was a fool for thinking that it wasn't that special and that I would be able to find it again easily. I took love for granted. The worst thing you could possibly do. Hell I don't even love myself, so it's amazing that someone else did. Now I get to sit around and wonder how different things could and would be if I knew then what I know now. It sucks. I let my pride get in the way. Sometimes I was too prideful to forgive you, others I was too prideful to admit that I was wrong. Pride and love do not get along. I understand that now, I just hope that one day I'll have the opportunity to love again and do things right. I know I would definitely not take it for granted the second time around...

So much for a bright future...

I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life anymore. No, I don't mean that in a 'I have nothing to live for' or suicidal way. I'm just simply stating that it feels like I've already passed the climax of my life. When you're in middle school all you think about is how you can't wait to get to high school. When you're in high school you look forward to graduating and going to college. Well I'm here now and I find myself with nothing to get excited about anymore. In 2 years I get to graduate and go to work for the rest of my life, sounds intriguing huh? Well if that doesn't excite you then maybe the fact that you start losing touch with people you care about and close friends start to move away and begin a new life. Still not ecstatic yet? Don't forget you get to pay bills and spend all of your free time working an every day job that you get zero pleasure from! Exactly, growing up sucks. I don't know if I feel this way because I'm being immature and don't want to accept responsibility or because I have a deep faith embedded in my mind that there is more to life than simply exchanging your time and labor for money. This life is so short and I refuse to accept the fact that slaving at a 9-5 job is the only way to support yourself. I mean wouldn't you rather spend your life traveling and doing things you enjoy instead? Basically I'm saying that the structure of our life sucks. I just feel so hopeless and I'm scared that I'll never feel that genuine, stress-free happiness that we feel as little kids again. But anyways I guess I'll stop complaining because I have to go study for a test. (Ironic huh?)

10 random things about me...

1. I'm scared of death. I'm also scared of time which is why I don't sleep. I don't want to waste time sleeping because days go by so fast. It freaks me out because I know as time passes it only means I'm getting closer to dying.
2. I'm scared to get close to people. If I do then I get hurt and quite frankly I'm tired of it.
3. I love talking to people and making new friends. Sometimes though, I feel like when I randomly talk to people they think I'm creepy/weird. I guess I'm just too paranoid.
4. I'm a hopeless romantic.
5. I don't go for very many girls but when I do I fall hard. Which also ends with me getting hurt most of the time.
6. I like short girls because I'm only 5'10 and taller girls intimidate me. I like being bigger than the girl, it makes me feel a lot more comfortable.
7. I'm attracted to girls who display great intelligence and can hold an intellectual conversation.
8. I've lived in the south my entire life but i absolutely HATE southern accents. So i try to do my best to keep mine to a minimum.
9. I'm a loner. I feel like no one truly understands me so I tend to keep my feelings to myself. Which eventually ends up driving me crazy.
10. I've only loved one female in my life and it didn't end well at all. So now I find myself thinking I'm never going to be able to love anyone else again.

Well I think those are random enough lol...

Long rant, that nobody is probably going to even read...

            Let me start this out by simply stating that I'm soo tired of being single. I really do not care what you say or how you feel about me, I just want to love somebody. All I want is to care about somebody and for somebody to care about me back. I just want someone to actually have an interest in what I do. I want to have small, petty fights about things that don't matter just because we care so much. I want to have someone I can call and talk to about things instead of having to blog. I want someone I can have pretend, fake fights with. I want someone I can sit on the couch and cuddle with and watch movies all night instead of going out to the club. I want someone who makes me laugh without even trying. I want to wake up everyday knowing that I have somebody there for me. I want someone who enjoys random piggy back rides. I want someone who knows me better than I know myself and knows how to make me smile when I'm upset. I want someone who understands I'm not perfect. I want someone to spoil. I want a best friend.
             Sometimes I feel like I'm trying too hard and other days I feel I'm destined to be alone. I really hope the second part isn't true....Now you can make fun of me for saying of all of this, that's fine. Apparently in the world we live in today it's humorous/pathetic when people decide to display genuine emotion. I honestly couldn't care less. I'm saying exactly how I feel and exactly what's on my mind. So if that makes gay, weird, pathetic, or humorous then so be it. I'm tired of putting up a false image of things. This is me, this is my feelings and opinions. Not yours...I honestly don't know why I'm ranting right now when no one is even going to read this. Oh well.....

My perspective...

 

           Let me give you a little bit of background information before I begin. Ever since the 5th grade the Miami Hurricanes have been my favorite football team and lately I've been excited about the hire of their new head coach, Al Golden. I've always believed that in order for you to be passionate about something you have to be knowledgeable of it so I was trying to read up on coach Golden. I ended up coming across a story in The Miami Herald that was discussing some of the changes that have taken place within the football program since Golden was hired. After I read the story I scrolled further down to read the readers' comments like I always do. The comments were mostly positive ones until I got to the twentieth one or so. A black man, around the age of 50, responded to a white fan's comment and began to rant about how Randy Shannon (Miami's previous coach) was not given the opportunity or the tools to succeed by Miami because he was black. Of course, as soon as someone pulls out the race card the other party immediately defends themselves and says that the accusations are ridiculous. While this was a rather bold statement to make, it did force me to do some thinking. Is it racist to accuse other people of being racist? Webster states that racism is a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race. Therefore, if you accept this definition then you are also accepting the idea that the black man's comment was a racist one. No, this does not mean that he hates the white race. Instead, by saying that blacks are not given the same opportunities as whites he is also inferring that blacks are inferior to people of the white race. Which makes him, by definition, a perfect example of a racist. Most people don't think that way though. I'm going to move on from this topic now before I have people getting upset that I'm only discussing black people.

          When it comes to racism white people are the biggest hypocrites. They will claim to not have any discriminatory feelings about blacks and a lot of times they have even themselves fooled. Prime example: Let a white man have his 17 year old daughter come home from school one day and explain to her dad how she is dating a black guy. I bet in most situations those discriminatory feelings that he swore he didn't have will surface more times than not. I will never claim to be a perfect man but one thing I will be is an understanding man. In all seriousness, when it comes to other people, race should be the LAST characteristic you use to judge someone. I hope I'm alive to see the day that society as a whole starts judging people based off of actual important aspects and traits such as honesty, loyalty, trustworthiness, etc instead of the color of someone's skin.

You know what the biggest similarity is between white people and black people?

We're all people...

Progression is a slow process...

                                         
         Well today was a little better. I didn't have the urge to text her until like 30 minutes after I woke up, which is slightly better than wanting to immediately like I normally do. Letting go of something or someone meaningful is a slow procedure though. Baby steps are better than no steps at all, right? I love how I asked that like people actually read this haha. Anyways, the only thing I'm scared of is that when I finally get over her she's going to start missing me and suck me back into this cycle she likes to put me through. I know that it seems like a stretch right now but it is funny how frequently it happens. As soon as you get over someone that person immediately and randomly calls/texts you just to discuss how they miss you. Why do people wait until they push someone out of their life before they realize that they care for them? That's one of many things I'll never understand.

        I think I'm going to keep this post relatively short. I pretty much covered everything last and I don't really feel like being redundant. See ya soon.